Draco Discovers tumblr
by zaraX
Summary: Curiosity had gotten the better of him. Draco grimaced, mentally preparing himself for whatever wonders Hermione's 'Mack Book' would hold, and found himself face-to-face with a beautiful navy blue and white website. Hmm. (Rated M for language. mostly.) an extremely questionable crackfic with maybe a few brief dramione moments.


Draco discovers "Tumblr"

Is this even considered a fanfic? No? Maybe it's considered a crackfic? I…er…needed a break from writing my dramione fic, and this utterly ridiculous plot kept bouncing around in my head, so I'm rolling with this judge me

Rated M for language and references to…okay well this is absolute crack okay so

_Inspired by my __lovely__ dashboard. _

Disclaimer: I do not own anything_. _Except for the plot which I'll probably regret writing.

_**Friday night: 1:00 AM**_

Draco tossed uncomfortably in his sleep. The war had ended seven years ago, yet memories of Voldemort and the deaths that surrounded his name still haunted his dreams. He blearily cracked one eye open, then both, and silently stretched his legs.

Hermione was lying next to him, her fluttering breaths gently fanning across his chest. After a day of classes at Oxford, cramming for an upcoming exam, and checking in with the Department of Magical Law Enforcement to secure a position as an intern, she had every reason to be exhausted. Draco, on the other hand, had spent the better part of his day signing contracts and dealing with amazingly stupid clients desperate for a share of Malfoy Enterprises.

_Merlin, _he needed a good distraction.

He turned over and caught a glimpse of dull silver. After squinting through the darkness – he remembered – oh, right. It was Hermione's muggle contraption she constantly hid behind. The glorious…he nearly snorted in amusement, _Mack Book_.

Ever since she moved in with him, the infuriating witch had insisted on bringing muggle technology and other strange inventions into their flat. First the television, then the I-Phones, and now her laptop, which she valued almost as much as the hundreds of books she had accumulated over the years.

He wasn't quite sure why he felt so curious about some machine, but ever since Hermione had purchased the Mack Book, he'd had a growing desire to open it and explore what little he knew about the Internet. Muggle Studies in sixth year had taught him the importance of it, but _why? Why _did Hermione and other muggles seem so…addicted to it? What wonders did the Internet hold that captured their breath and evoked such powerful emotions?

Desperate for answers, Draco shook his head and muttered to himself "I'm a bloody fool for doing this…" He quietly slipped out of bed and sank down in Hermione's favorite squashy armchair, picking the Mack Book up off the desk, yanking the charger off with more force than necessary, and placing it gently on his lap, as if the thing might detonate.

Carefully, he tugged at the lid, but the thing wouldn't open. He frowned before turning it around and trying the other side, and to his relief it eased open, and a black, bottomless pit stared back into his eyes.

He bit his lip in anticipation. This was it.

His fingers jabbed as what he recognized was the Power button and the screen immediately glowed brighter than a _Lumos_. He winced, letting his eyes adjust before actually taking a look at the…thing (which he assumed was the home page/background).

After a brief struggle, he managed to get the clicker thing moving. He grinned proudly as he dragged his finger along the touchpad. Piece of cake. He even got it to move around in circles, loops, up the screen, down, and across.

_Merlin_. This was satisfaction. This was power.

He moved the clicker down to a peculiar blue compass icon at the bottom of the screen, and with after quickly applying _just the right amount_ of pressure on the touchpad, a "window" zoomed into focus.

His lips curled into a triumphant smirk as grey eyes met navy blue.

This was it.

He read the word on the top of the screen.

_Tumblr._

He frowned – hang on, what the bloody hell –"_tumblr"? _Where was the –e? Why not _tumbler? _And why was there a period there when it wasn't even a bloody sentence?

Ignoring the odd title, he began to peruse the screen before him. There seemed to be pictures of…of the Sherlock series (which he had watched over the summer due to Hermione's obsession with Net-flicks).

Surprisingly, the photos weren't like the standard muggle photos. They were actually _moving_. Had the muggles finally found the solution to their pitiful frozen images, and caught up with wizarding standards?

He poked the down arrow key a few times and the images of Sherlock and Watson were pushed up the screen. The next few sets of photos that appeared seemed to come from another series, semi-familiar…ah, yes, Doctor Who? Hermione didn't mention Doctor Who? as much as she did Sherlock, but he knew she was still quite a big fan of Doctor Who?

So maybe Tumblr adjusted itself to her TV preferences. _Interesting_.

He continued scrolling down, passing what he learned were "posts", including

a moving photo of a girl who (according to the subtitle) was saying "surprise bitch" (?)

some naked woman with baby dragons on her shoulder

a few sentences mocking a girl named Justin Bieber (apparently he had committed some awful crimes against humanity, and a "fandom" consisting of members with supernatural powers seemed to enjoy this fact)

an absurd amount of sentence fragments written in only upper case letters

some praises devoted to an ancient, highly revered muggle goddess, whose name was Beyonce

ah, the Bendick Cucumber man again

he seemed absurdly popular

puns that made no sense whatsoever

a lot of references to ships (he supposed the muggles did value having strong navies, but didn't exactly see how this fit into the TV show category?)

and some sort of hand-drawn cartoon that appeared to be – he leaned in, squinting – was that a crudely drawn image of Sherlock Holmes? And was that John Watson? His eyes widened in alarm; _were they having –_

he jabbed the down button and held it for quite some time, stomach queasy.

He finally lifted his finger when and froze when a photo came up of…of _Hermione. _

What the fuck was Hermione doing on Hermione's screen?

His jaw slackened with surprise as he took in the whole photo, and realized what was happening.

Hermione was passionately snogging _Weasley. _And…were there 198,036 notes under that? _Were there 198,036 notes under his girlfriend snogging Ronald Weasley? _

He fumed, glaring at the laptop screen, wanting to hex the muggle that made this horrific photo, labeled "#Romione" (what was with all the #s anyway?).

He impatiently poked the down arrow button and scrolled past the offensive material, muttering "disgusting", and stopped when a new picture appeared.

He blinked in shock when he realized that this time, the picture was of him.

Except it was 1) a horrible photo of him, 2) inaccurate (his hair was really a much lighter shade, much like...morning frost, or the beautiful shining snow of the Himalayas, not that revolting shade of yellow), and 3) _were there fucking constellations and doves surrounding his face what the bloody hell had these muggles done to his image _

Beneath the photo were quite a number of lengthy paragraphs, and as he read it, he was hardly able to hold back a snort at these muggles' so called "in-depth analysis of the true Draco Malfoy".

_Misunderstood. The boy who had no choice. Tom Riddle 2.0. The albino ferret –_

Pathetic!

Bloody pathetic!

He scrolled down, oddly conflicted between wanting to laugh and wanting to smash the Mack Book against the wall. Not even blast it with his wand, oh no, he wanted to physically smash the disgrace against the cream-painted walls so he'd never have to see the things on Tumblr again.

But curiosity got the best of him, and despite the voice in his head that nagged, _get off the damn Tumblr, _he continued scrolling through the Tumblr, as if some other force were controlling his motions, and nargles had directed his index finger back to the down arrow

And then.

He stopped as his eyes rested on the words "_Drarry Fanfiction! XDDD (M)"_

He wasn't sure what XDDD meant, but it sounded like some sort of rating like the kinds he saw on the movies Hermione picked out ever other week, though he had never heard of XDDD. Then again, he had never heard of "drarry" or "fanfiction" either, and what was the M supposed to mean – magnificent? Well…Hermione had always encouraged him to educate himself on muggle culture…

Shrugging, he clicked the 'read more' button to reveal quite a few long paragraphs – no, an actual story! and began to read.

As he read the first few paragraphs, his lips unconsciously curled into a smirk and he mentally complimented the writer's avid description of his body. "sexy" had to have been used _at least _five times. And "rippling muscles"? His smirk grew wider – 10 points to…er…the writer.

However. When he reached the fifth paragraph, Harry Potter had somehow entered the picture (which was currently the boys' Quidditch locker room). Potter, always ruining every glorious moment he had to himself. _Scarface _Potter, _Chosen _Potter,

He continued reading, still annoyed by Potter's arrival.

Then, the dialogue began to change, and he frowned as he read _"Is that a wand in your pocket, Potter, or are you just excited to see me?" Draco growled seduct –_

Draco froze.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

This couldn't be…couldn't be right…couldn't be what he thought it was. he frantically scrolled down a bit more, and his gaze remained locked onto the screen as he plucked up the courage to continue reading.

And as he did – as he continued reading _"Drarry Fanfiction! XDDD (M)" – _his eyes widened and his palms began to sweat.

"_Draco moaned wontonly: "Potter!", and he shoved –"_

Draco's mouth hung open in a horrified gape.

(*wantonly, Draco's subconscious furiously corrected, wanting to distinguish sexual desire from Asian cuisine)

"_**No." **_he choked out. "That's…that's not true!"

With trembling hands, he placed the laptop on the floor and ran his hands through his hair shakily. He stood up and stared at the Mack Book.

"That is _not _true!" he growled, glaring at it, "Never in my life – it's not – _dammit!"_

A quiet groan interrupted him and he glanced up to see Hermione rub her eyes sleepily and sit up.

"Draco?" she said groggily, and he cursed.

"It's 2 AM. What are you doing?"

"Nothing," he replied brusquely, "Just…nothing. Couldn't sleep."

Hermione slowly clambered out of bed and stopped when she saw her laptop on the floor, next to his feet.

"Were you…" she said slowly, glancing from the glowing apple to Draco's distraught expression.

They stood, staring at each other, no one daring to make a move.

And then Hermione lunged toward the laptop just as Draco hurriedly bent to pick it up, but Hermione caught him by surprise, easily snatching it out of his grasp.

"What in the name of Merlin were you looking at?" she muttered, frowning as her eyes adjusted to the brightness of the screen.

"N-nothing!" Draco stammered, trying to tug the laptop out of her hands, "It was an accident! I mean, I clicked a few things, and then that happened and –"

"Is this _fanfiction?"_

"Ah – you – you know of it?"

"_Is this a rated M fanfic of you and Harry Potter?!"_

"No! I mean – 'Mione, babe, please – I honestly had no idea –"

"_Did the writer just give my best friend 'froggy lips'?!"_

"Er – what?"

"Merlin, Draco," Hermione sighed, "If you're going to be reading smut, make sure it's good quality, alright?" She handed the laptop back to him.

"Sm – smut? But I was just…I just…_what the hell __**is**__ this Tumblr thing?!" _

**AN: **I HIGHLY REGRET WRITING THIS I SPENT 2 HOURS ON IT AND HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST CREATE THIS IS MONSTRUOUS


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